


03:04 am

by postscripts



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Confessions, Fluff, Genderfluid! Choi Yeonjun, Other, Soft Choi Soobin, Soft Choi Yeonjun, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, brief depiction of mental health issues, mention of alcohol abuse/alcoholism, minor mention of self harm, ot5 shenanigans, soft kids trying their best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29395482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postscripts/pseuds/postscripts
Summary: soobin realizes there's no snow falling outside, or any orchestra to accompany them. they're not wearing any makeup like the actors do, possibly his cheeks are severely red from the shower (from yeonjun's touch, too) but he's falling, falling, falling.or; they are okay.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	03:04 am

beomgyu said that soobin's strength is how civil he is to others, but he thinks he might have to disagree.

he doesn't really, to people he doesn't care about. he's indulging and calm, and most times his mean streak of an attitude come off as flimsy sarcasm. this comes from years of exclusion, all tall awkward body but no gut voice. some days he doesn't mind, but he has learned the hard way that people can kick harsh enough that he'll cough off blood. he had spent years learning boxing, throwing punches like his left knuckles don't scream pain when he had to fight for it. but soobin knows how to deal with things now. better than before, better than yesterday. he understands which war to wage against.

so when he says he doesn't regret punching that douchebag, he really doesn't.

the man had come up to them, all slurred words and absent eyes, and hit on yeonjun in the most uncomfortable way. the five of them planned this since weeks ago, even before finals, and they have no thoughts but to have fun and dance the hazy night away. it should have been about them running away from their collective unfortunate events, of beomgyu's anxiety attack during exams, or taehyun's recent diagnosis, or kai's mom's passing. it could have been, if not for this one asshole who got rejected by yeonjun and decided to yell, "oh, you're faggot. should have known from the pink hair."

soobin had jumped at him and swung his fist vicious enough that his ears rang.

his memory is foggy despite it lasting minutes. when the man fell to the ground and screamed curses, soobin could only see black as he painted more dark hues on the man's pale skin. he punched and punched, the guy managed to place a scratch on his cheek, and when kai and taehyun held him back by hugging his arms from behind, he could only whimper swear words in a low voice as he stared at the man back down to hell. the bouncer had come and ushered them to leave. it took him seconds before coming to sense for what he had done.

they are in the car to go back to the apartment, now. and the silence sounds loud past a deafening point.

"i'm sorry." soobin gazes blankly at the roads from the car window. they're still so far from the neighborhood.

nobody answers at first, and soobin thinks he deserves this at least. he ruined the night they had waited for so long, and he thinks his stomach burned in shame. from the back seat, soobin can see yeonjun's shoulders slouch slightly before hearing them say, "don't do that again, soobin-ah."

from the corner of his eyes, he can see kai locking his phone and putting it down before moving his head toward him. "hyung, i think you're cool."

that catches him off guard. soobin doesn't understand. "i'm not," he answers with a frown. 

"i mean, he kind of are, don't you think? i swear i was about to punch that asswipe myself if not that soobin hyung did it first." beomgyu adds, body moving to face them at the back from the front seat. "it's the second time i ever see you get that angry."

"soobin hyung has done that before?" taehyun speaks.

"yeah! in high school someone pulled some freaky shit on me and soobin hyung came fashionably late like a capeless hero. i never saw those bullies pissing their pants so quickly in my life. i thought soobin hyung is kamen rider for a second."

kai makes a rowdy laugh, moving his hands to mimic the scene with heavy exaggeration as beomgyu relays the memory excitably. yeonjun and taehyun laughs too, and soobin thinks he can't ever be more grateful towards his small circle of group. he shifts his head to the front again and stares at yeonjun's chuckle filled moving shoulders. he can see the bone jutting out from their thin fuzzy sweater.

the car ride is busy with noises after that. yeonjun suggest playing kokobop just to say that the night is young and body rolling is still on the menu. kai shouts the electronic beat like he's a machine himself and taehyun shows off his dancing skill regardless of the limited movement because of the seatbelt restriction. they don't give more comments on the incident and soobin plays along like he didn't just spoil their night. he's still filled with guilt, but yeonjun is singing so loudly on the steering wheel that he can't help but to feel immense thankfulness for all of them.

they go to eat skewers and queue in a crowded karaoke instead as of taehyun's suggestion. it's a long night and they are dumb kids in too thin clothes singing their hearts out as the songs occupy the room. kai is dancing to boy in love as yeonjun raps in the most proper way a half drunk person can. as yeonjun sits back down for beomgyu's turn of song choice, taehyun offers a blanket to cover yeonjun's legs and beomgyu protests on how yeonjun should have worn thick warm pants instead of a skirt. "it's literally zero degrees out there!" yeonjun accepts the blanket gleefully as they joke on how their legs are too beautiful to not show off. kai nods in acknowledging agreement.

it feels fleeting in soobin's eyes, but he doesn't mind it all the same. too many things had happened the past months and even if he can see the kids' eyebags like they are stitched on every one of their eyes, he braves himself to assume this is what forever feels like.

soobin is so, so, grateful to them.

when they got back, beomgyu receives a call from his brother as they just get out of the car. soobin can see the slight staggering of beomgyu's jaw as he answers, but he doesn't comment at all, keeping quiet while waiting for kai to get out from yeonjun's beat up car completely. soobin's the sober one, so he has driven them back to the apartment building they live on. he can hear taehyun's _are you okay, hyung?_ directed at yeonjun and he doesn't really hear the older's response. the moment doesn't quite shatter, but it does feel like coming back to earth like this, as though they are not at all characters from movies which they are all happy.

the open parking lot is soundless safe for the autumn breeze that gives soobin chills. he locks the car and he can make out beomgyu's gentle smiling face from the dark. it's a good conversation this time, soobin thinks, and he's glad.

taehyun and kai got off the elevator first, on the fifth floor, and taehyun waves them good bye as kai bickers with beomgyu to buy him lunch tomorrow. taehyun has to practically pulls him away before all the neighbors woke up from kai's shrill as beomgyu gives him the middle finger when the elevator doors close. then soobin and yeonjun have to accompany beomgyu to the eighteen level first before getting off on theirs because beomgyu's forces them to, too scared to be in the elevator alone after midnight. _but,_ _hyung, what if the elevator stops and then there's ghost from above?_ beomgyu whines. _gyu, you literally have the whole floor to yourself. there must be more ghost there than inside of this elevator,_ soobin replies. _i hate capitalism,_ yeonjun roll their eyes.

as yeonjun and soobin arrive at their floor, it's silent. they don't quite say anything, but the solitude doesn't feel burdensome. yeonjun is typing on their phone on the group chat to invite the rest of them for breakfast at their unit in the morning (as per beomgyu's request) because hangover hits like a truck for most of them, other than yeonjun and taehyun (mostly kai). it's probably from muscle mass, he guesses. soobin didn't drink this time around, but he usually only settle with two bottles of soju before becoming a blubbering mess and knocking himself out. he's really ought to exercise more.

"—come in?"

soobin's gets out of his spiral of thoughts and look at yeonjun looking at him. the room in front of them reads 1206. "sorry?"

"i said, do you want to come in?" yeonjun looks slightly nerved. soobin knows yeonjun long enough to know that the other don't usually get uptight like this. there's always an air of effortless confidence surrounding yeonjun, the way they know they have gravity stronger than the sun. soobin is one of the people who got sucked in and he used to envy it, yeonjun's ability to be so magnetic in the most humble yet self-assured way they manage. soobin knows, presently, that it's really not the case at all, but he's satisfied now to be just a planet orbiting the sun.

yeonjun looks expectant and he feels his neck growing warmer. "yes, hyung. i want to come in."

they mostly have movie night at beomgyu's or occasionally at taehyun's and kai's shared room for the reason both units are bigger than soobin's and yeonjun's, but the familiarity of yeonjun's room is still the same. it smells like lemongrass and very— _yeonjun._ he takes his time strolling through the pictures he has seen hundreds of times while yeonjun go shower. there's a new frame of picture placed on the wooden wall mounted table. it's them with silly faces, kai with bed hair and beomgyu's eyes only slightly opened from sleep. it's new year, when taehyun and kai just moved in the apartment. yeonjun's lungs were probably hurt from yelling at them to take the picture. it's only some months ago but the tinge of green tint from the film effect makes him nostalgic that soobin can't help but smile fondly.

all of a sudden, his left hand is pulled, and when he looks back, it's yeonjun, of course. yeonjun drag him to the sofa without any words. there's a first aid kit box and cans of beer on the coffee table. "we're drinking again, hyung?"

"i knew you held back because i'm too tipsy to drive." yeonjun shrugs. 

they sit down on yeonjun's grey couch they thrifted a month ago, and yeonjun open the kit box to take cotton balls and alcohol. the way yeonjun clean the scratch on his cheek is overdramatic—so, so gentle as if soobin bears a war wound. yeonjun's touch is cold. they place the bandaid in utmost concentration and their face is too close, but soobin's good at acting. civil and nonchalant is his forte, he remembers.

when it's done, yeonjun pick up two cans of beer and place it on top of soobin's lap, offering, and they drink with a replay of yesterday's drama playing on the tv. it's beomgyu's favorite but he doesn't really follow it. yeonjun don't too, he knows. soobin doesn't understand the story, how the female lead is so courageous as she confesses in the middle of winter with a beautiful song playing as background. the main characters gaze sombrely at each other like they both are so in love before they hug, and it's cringy, but he understands. he's been pining for the most beautiful person and he wants to hug them too.

"soobin-ah."

the voice is soft in the midst of dialogues. it morphs into tangles of voices that it can be inaudible if only soobin's not hyperaware of the situation. he peeks through the funnel of the moment at yeonjun who still have their eyes on the screen. soobin sighs out his answer quietly, "yes, hyung."

yeonjun don't answer. maybe he miscalculated the volume of his voice. his voice is always too faint when he wants the otherwise. 

the tv reverberates like static in soobin's ears so he turns back to the tv. when focuses back on the screen, the leads are kissing in the middle of the snow. it's not like it correlates in linear with the drama at all, but the third can of beer tastes more bitter than the previous ones on his tongue.

soobin met yeonjun when he first moved into the apartment here, the room next to this one. he remembers feeling like he's struck with lightning, being in awe like how a sculptor would kiss their statues. yeonjun had yellow straight hair, not yet long soft pink tied up in a half ponytail like how it is now, and lesser tattoos. the familiar part of ansan is a few hours from seoul, but the other open their arm like soobin's meant to live there all along, like a steadfast homecoming. he's homesick with the way yeonjun smiled at him, with how familiar their tone of voice when they hum a song through endless car rides. with yeonjun's swift gravitational hugs. it makes him less lonely and less cold, and his ears are warm from the memories. the drama is now on another scene where the female character meets the second lead on an orthodox sunday brunch time.

this moment is breakable. it's a glass cup with no water, hope, but the tv tune makes him a tad more daring. soobin wants to seize it. he thinks he's at least worth this, his blind bravery. he holds yeonjun's cold hand with his free one. 

yeonjun don't budge, eyes stuck on the tv, and when a slight twitch comes from yeonjun's hand, soobin thinks he has made a mistake. of course, it's a made-up smoke signal.

he's a fucking fool.

soobin slowly lifts and pulls his hand away. he can still save this moment and pretends it's all mindless platonic graze. "ah, sorry—" he's preparing himself to act coy when instantly yeonjun's fingers are intertwining his. there's a split second of momentum before his brain functions for what is happening. soobin can't hide his surprise, wide eyes moving back to face yeonjun's face. yeonjun's still looking at the screen, but the commercial is rolling, and he knows— _understand—_ that maybe this is yeonjun's way to say _it's okay_ _, soobin-ah,_ like they usually do every time soobin leave claw marks on things he holds.

_it's okay, soobin-ah._

"hyung." 

this time, yeonjun look at him. there's a slight color on their cheeks, and if not for the fact that yeonjun's looking at soobin like he holds the world—he couldn't even if he tries, more fat than brawn—he might have thought it's his mind making things up.

"soobin-ah, do you want to stay the night?"

it's an invitation, but he can't comprehend it just yet. he's too full of fondness, of things actually going his way that he's scared any entity out there is playing with him. soobin is trying to find meaning on yeonjun's eyes, how they don't waver as he stares back, searching the words it perhaps can speak. he's not drunk, he swears, but there is no way it can be real. 

so soobin says dumbly, "hyung, the bed won't fit." 

it takes a couple of instances before yeonjun laughs. "you think i'm letting you sleep with me on the bed?"

he used to think yeonjun was the most beautiful with their nonchalant faith in themselves, and it's a while before soobin could figure yeonjun's out. it takes three months before he saw broken lipsticks under the bathroom sink, six months before he saw the cuts, and a year and a half before he hugged yeonjun to sleep after finding them on the corner of the bathroom, a room full of beer cans and shards of soju bottles. it's been years, and he knows now yeonjun is nothing but effortless. he's made out of hard work and gold molded into cracks to the point of brimming suffocation. yeonjun's beautiful like that too, of the deserved shine through so much effort, but it's second-best to when they are grinning wide like this. free.

soobin automatically mirrors the smile, "yeah. what else should i hug when i'm cold?"

"well, i am indeed hot." yeonjun agree. "then, you should shower. give me your key, i'll bring your clothes."

"i'm not inviting a thief to my house."

yeonjun speaks deadpan, "you're about to sleep in the said thief's house. you wanna sleep on the floor?"

soobin's heart is so full, and he earnestly laughs as he pulls out his key and stands up to go to the shower. he tries not to spend too long there, making sure he smells good and clean, and wears the hoodie and pants yeonjun put in front of the bathroom door. by the time he goes out, yeonjun's on the bed playing his phone in the newly dark room. he notices the sweater and skirt yeonjun used is put on the corner of the room. soobin pulls the cover and slips in.

"hyung."

the ticking of the clock is loud and yeonjun put their phone on the bedside to move sideways to face him. yeonjun stare at him unreadably. "yes, soobinie."

_hyung, i like you. do you like me too?_

no, too forward.

_i feel like i can breathe easy with you._

too out of place.

_yeonjun hyung—_

" _—_ i like the skirt you wear today."

the amused smile spreading on yeonjun face is infectious. yeonjun pull one of their hand from under their head to soobin's bangs, moving it away from his eyes. "you're full of surprise, today, choi soobin."

they hum, quiet, and add, "thank you, for standing up for me."

there's no merit in confessing to someone out of your league. soobin is a set postscript, only an afterthought. he's not even the second lead. he's friend A. the ones where their face is without characteristic and plain with only his height as something to remember about. soobin realizes there's no snow falling outside, or any orchestra to accompany them. they're not wearing any makeup like the actors do, possibly his cheeks are severely red from the shower (from yeonjun's touch, too) but he's falling, falling, falling.

"hyung i like you."

it's still. the wind isn't loud enough to cover the silence that veils their freezing body. they are just two people from hundreds and thousands of people in seoul, and soobin has once thought one faceless passing wouldn't matter much in the bigger picture. but now, yeonjun's hand on his face and the prettiest glint on their eyes, soobin is content with being himself.

yeonjun smile like they are born with it.

"yeah, i like you too, soobin-ah."

and they giggle.

**Author's Note:**

> the current day depiction of yeonjun is we lost the summer era yeonjun and this fic is born heavily based on [a post](https://twitter.com/JlMlN420/status/1360113572278194176?s=20) i saw. :>
> 
> there's so many things happening right now and i just want you all to know that i'm with you, and you're not alone in this fight. i'm on @WEEBG0D on twt. i don't have any friends but know that it's a safe space if any of you want to talk to me.
> 
> thank you for reading this far. take care of yourselves.


End file.
